Fandom: The Boy Who Shagged A Rockstar
Full Name (plus titles if any): They're ALL horrifying, but the primary offender is "Teegan Khamaar Gylden" -- I SHIT YOU NOT.
Full Species(es): "half Lion demon"
Hair Color (include adjectives): "Skinny dreads to [his] tail bone"
Eye Color (include adjectives): "Bright, bright honey brown"
Unusual Markings/Colorations: He apparently has a g-string size of 24 (!!!).
Special Possessions (if any): AN EVIL TWIN!
Annoying Origin: Norway, apparently
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: In every single one of her stories, he's either a friend of Draco or Harry, and later becomes the love interest of Blaise Zabini
Annoying Special Abilities: Ready for this?... "Piano, design and singing oh yeah…I love to dance!" ALSO -- HE'S A DRUM MAJOR WITH MODELLING EDUCATION.
Other Annoying Traits: He'd be much more tolerable without functioning organs.
Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:
Draco: Good evening, plebeians. Draco Malfoy, here, with some other idiot to do the sporking of this atrocious excuse for a story.
Harry: ... Yeah, I've got a name, Malfoy.
Draco: Do you? Well, congratulations! You're one step up from nameless street urchin!
Harry: Street urchin? I'm not a street urchin!
Draco: You are in this story. And on that note, let's begin.
Harry and Tee walked calmly in the halls of Hogwarts Catholic Orphanage and School.
Draco: Catholic orphanage?! CATHOLIC... orphanage? Catholic... ORPHANAGE?
Harry: One sentence in and I already hate it!
Draco: [Dazed look] Catholic orphanage... oh, God...
It was the afternoon and the kindergarteners where scurrying between the upperclassmen clad in the same uniform as Tee and Harry. Clean, white Oxford button down with the label of one of the four houses in Hogwarts. Khaki, creased pants and black buckled dress shoes accented with the matching striped tie.
Harry: Because English orphanages, as we all know, are extremely well-funded and can definitely afford clean uniforms and education for all their occupants.
Ha! But Tee fashioned his up a bit.
Draco: I'll save you the trouble, Stu. Creased Khaki pants and black dress shoes are beyond hope. You can't "fashion" them up no matter how hard you try.
Harry: Even if that were a verb.
His gold and white Gryffindor tie was loosened, his button down shirt was unbuttoned revealing a gold tank, his pants sagged and he was wearing fuzzy white slippers. His American flare passed on to Harry.
Draco: Attention span waning. Bored now. Am I missing anything important?
Harry: Nope, just an obnoxious description about how totally rebellious punk rock this Stu is.
Draco: Ah, good.
Harry was just as disorganized. His messenger bag on his hip, his red and gold uniform an utter mess. Which made both males look like they completely just had the best shag of their lives. Oh, yes. He and Teegan we’re the best looking orphies on campus.
Harry: ... "Orphies"?
Draco: That sounds like a venereal disease.
“Hey Teegan! When are we gonna hook-up?!” Katie Bell winked as they cut through the gardens. Teegan grinned and twirled his drumsticks between his fingers.
“What? On church grounds?! Girl go repent!” Teegan joked as Harry simply tugged on Tee’s finger to hurry up.
Both: [Stunned silence, mouths ajar]
Harry: I... did not just hear that...
“C’mon Gylden, you can fuck her dry later! Let’s go before the band room closes!” Harry shouted with a smirk as the whole student body in the gardens gasped. Teegan's mouth hit the floor. Harry snickered as he hauled his speechless best friend towards the band room, guffawing all the while.
Draco: [Bends out of frame -- retching noises heard]
Harry: [Thumps him on the back] Get it all out, Malfoy...
“Harry!” Tee whispered harshly as Harry kept dragging him and laughing. “You should go pray!” Teegan answered as Harry stopped him at the corner of the Slytherin dorms.
“Oh, come off it. We’ll pray tonight.” Harry answered before Tee held up his rosary beads. Harry rolled his eyes, but Tee kept the stern look in his golden-eyes.
“I’m Jamaican, so I can get a shittier attitude than that. Now kiss!” Tee said with a hand on his hip. Harry rolled his eyes and kissed the cross. Tee did the same and they walked off to the band room.
Harry: OKAY. RELIGIOUS WHY. WHY?
Draco: Really! She had to go and ruin an otherwise only mildly cerebrum-searing story with this religious hogwash!
Harry: Kiss the rosary, bitch! [Backhand motion]
Hogwarts’ band room was filled with seats aligned in an elliptical seating from two to 18. The lockers and cases where filled many instruments from baritones to xylophones. To Tee and Harry, the band room was heaven. Harry ran to his guitar case, hugging it close to his body. Tee, in a rush to get to the drum set, tripped on a microphone cord, fell on his face, and was soon entangled in the cord.
“Ahh! Potter! Help!” Tee screamed as he resembled a cat wrapped in yarn. Harry just stopped to look down at the son of a mobster.
“Harry! You’re just gonna stand there and laugh?! Is that how you feel?! I know where you sleep! A yard away from me!” Teegan snarled almost lion like.
“Harry! How are you going to just let Tee struggle?! Sadistic much?” Hermione Granger said as she kneeled down to help Teegan, who has been her friend since she arrived at Hogwarts in 2nd grade after her parents were murdered in Edinburgh.
Draco: ... The stupid... the stupid! It's -- it's leaping off the screen and drilling into my brain!
When Tee was free he clawed at Harry only to be held back by the bushy haired girl.
“Stop Teegan, just get him while he sleeps,” Hermione said as she kissed both boys on the cheek. Harry yowled when he was pinched on the arm by the dread locked percussionist. “Okay, Harry grab your acoustic and Tee get on the drums.”
“Hey! Her name's Celess.” Harry defended as he propped opened the case to reveal an acoustic guitar, midnight blue with gray clouds, golden stars and a moon blazing in the corner. Sweet Mary, he loved Celess.
Harry: Ignoring how incredibly stupid it is of me to be naming a guitar... "Sweet Mary"?!
Draco: Who is this Mary bitch and where does she live?!
Harry: ... Uh... Malfoy, I think she's talking about the Virgin Mary. You know. Mother to Christ?
Draco: ... Well that's stupid...
All right. I can't do much more of this. The stupid is literally hurting my brain. If you all want more, just let me know. I'm not scared of this self-obsessed little hussy.