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Touché, Meyshi... touché.

Jesus CHRIST Horatio Caine is FAR too se
Story Or Series Title: ArgentAmeth (No, I'm NOT sure if it's supposed to be two words.)
Fandom: The Boy Who Shagged A Rockstar
Culprit Author's Name: Meyshi, a repeat offender and royal pain in the arse

Full Name (plus titles if any): They're ALL horrifying, but the primary offender is "Teegan Khamaar Gylden" -- I SHIT YOU NOT.
Full Species(es): "half Lion demon"
Hair Color (include adjectives): "Skinny dreads to [his] tail bone"
Eye Color (include adjectives): "Bright, bright honey brown"
Unusual Markings/Colorations: He apparently has a g-string size of 24 (!!!).
Special Possessions (if any): AN EVIL TWIN!

Annoying Origin: Norway, apparently
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: In every single one of her stories, he's either a friend of Draco or Harry, and later becomes the love interest of Blaise Zabini
Annoying Special Abilities: Ready for this?... "Piano, design and singing oh yeah…I love to dance!" ALSO -- HE'S A DRUM MAJOR WITH MODELLING EDUCATION.
Other Annoying Traits: He'd be much more tolerable without functioning organs.

Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:

Draco: Good evening, plebeians. Draco Malfoy, here, with some other idiot to do the sporking of this atrocious excuse for a story.
Harry: ... Yeah, I've got a name, Malfoy.
Draco: Do you? Well, congratulations! You're one step up from nameless street urchin!
Harry: Street urchin? I'm not a street urchin!
Draco: You are in this story. And on that note, let's begin.

Harry and Tee walked calmly in the halls of Hogwarts Catholic Orphanage and School.

Both: WHAT?!
Draco: Catholic orphanage?! CATHOLIC... orphanage? Catholic... ORPHANAGE?
Harry: One sentence in and I already hate it!
Draco: [Dazed look] Catholic orphanage... oh, God...

It was the afternoon and the kindergarteners where scurrying between the upperclassmen clad in the same uniform as Tee and Harry. Clean, white Oxford button down with the label of one of the four houses in Hogwarts. Khaki, creased pants and black buckled dress shoes accented with the matching striped tie.

Harry: Because English orphanages, as we all know, are extremely well-funded and can definitely afford clean uniforms and education for all their occupants.

Ha! But Tee fashioned his up a bit.

Draco: I'll save you the trouble, Stu. Creased Khaki pants and black dress shoes are beyond hope. You can't "fashion" them up no matter how hard you try.
Harry: Even if that were a verb.

His gold and white Gryffindor tie was loosened, his button down shirt was unbuttoned revealing a gold tank, his pants sagged and he was wearing fuzzy white slippers. His American flare passed on to Harry.

Draco: Attention span waning. Bored now. Am I missing anything important?
Harry: Nope, just an obnoxious description about how totally rebellious punk rock this Stu is.
Draco: Ah, good.

Harry was just as disorganized. His messenger bag on his hip, his red and gold uniform an utter mess. Which made both males look like they completely just had the best shag of their lives. Oh, yes. He and Teegan we’re the best looking orphies on campus.

Harry: ... "Orphies"?
Draco: That sounds like a venereal disease.

“Hey Teegan! When are we gonna hook-up?!” Katie Bell winked as they cut through the gardens. Teegan grinned and twirled his drumsticks between his fingers.

“What? On church grounds?! Girl go repent!” Teegan joked as Harry simply tugged on Tee’s finger to hurry up.

Both: [Stunned silence, mouths ajar]
Harry: I... did not just hear that...

“C’mon Gylden, you can fuck her dry later! Let’s go before the band room closes!” Harry shouted with a smirk as the whole student body in the gardens gasped. Teegan's mouth hit the floor. Harry snickered as he hauled his speechless best friend towards the band room, guffawing all the while.

Draco: [Bends out of frame -- retching noises heard]
Harry: [Thumps him on the back] Get it all out, Malfoy...

“Harry!” Tee whispered harshly as Harry kept dragging him and laughing. “You should go pray!” Teegan answered as Harry stopped him at the corner of the Slytherin dorms.

“Oh, come off it. We’ll pray tonight.” Harry answered before Tee held up his rosary beads. Harry rolled his eyes, but Tee kept the stern look in his golden-eyes.

“I’m Jamaican, so I can get a shittier attitude than that. Now kiss!” Tee said with a hand on his hip. Harry rolled his eyes and kissed the cross. Tee did the same and they walked off to the band room.

Harry: OKAY. RELIGIOUS WHY. WHY?
Draco: Really! She had to go and ruin an otherwise only mildly cerebrum-searing story with this religious hogwash!
Harry: Kiss the rosary, bitch! [Backhand motion]

Hogwarts’ band room was filled with seats aligned in an elliptical seating from two to 18. The lockers and cases where filled many instruments from baritones to xylophones. To Tee and Harry, the band room was heaven. Harry ran to his guitar case, hugging it close to his body. Tee, in a rush to get to the drum set, tripped on a microphone cord, fell on his face, and was soon entangled in the cord.

“Ahh! Potter! Help!” Tee screamed as he resembled a cat wrapped in yarn. Harry just stopped to look down at the son of a mobster.

“Harry! You’re just gonna stand there and laugh?! Is that how you feel?! I know where you sleep! A yard away from me!” Teegan snarled almost lion like.

“Harry! How are you going to just let Tee struggle?! Sadistic much?” Hermione Granger said as she kneeled down to help Teegan, who has been her friend since she arrived at Hogwarts in 2nd grade after her parents were murdered in Edinburgh.

Draco: ... The stupid... the stupid! It's -- it's leaping off the screen and drilling into my brain!

When Tee was free he clawed at Harry only to be held back by the bushy haired girl.

“Stop Teegan, just get him while he sleeps,” Hermione said as she kissed both boys on the cheek. Harry yowled when he was pinched on the arm by the dread locked percussionist. “Okay, Harry grab your acoustic and Tee get on the drums.”

“Hey! Her name's Celess.” Harry defended as he propped opened the case to reveal an acoustic guitar, midnight blue with gray clouds, golden stars and a moon blazing in the corner. Sweet Mary, he loved Celess.

Harry: Ignoring how incredibly stupid it is of me to be naming a guitar... "Sweet Mary"?!
Draco: Who is this Mary bitch and where does she live?!
Harry: ... Uh... Malfoy, I think she's talking about the Virgin Mary. You know. Mother to Christ?
Draco: ... Well that's stupid...

All right. I can't do much more of this. The stupid is literally hurting my brain. If you all want more, just let me know. I'm not scared of this self-obsessed little hussy.

Comments

( 34 comments — Leave a comment )
xxmissemaleexx
Aug. 1st, 2007 08:37 pm (UTC)
Better watch out. Meyshi'll sic her lawyers on you!
snuffylicious
Aug. 1st, 2007 08:52 pm (UTC)
OH NOES. NOT THE WASHED-UP SPORT STAR! ANYTHING BUT THAT!!
dreamstalk
Aug. 1st, 2007 09:00 pm (UTC)
gold and white Gryffindor tie?! May The Drowned God be merciful to Meysi. Crismon and gold tie!
mercury_glitch
Aug. 1st, 2007 09:52 pm (UTC)
If we sacraficed her to the Drowned God I'm not sure if he'd keep her, or let her come back. I mean if he lets her return it's like saying she's a chosen warrior of his. I doubt even the Damphair would continue his success rate if he tried to rebirth her.
dreamstalk
Aug. 1st, 2007 10:27 pm (UTC)
Let's give her to Melisandre.
mercury_glitch
Aug. 1st, 2007 10:51 pm (UTC)
A fine idea, let the flames consume her.

pun intended
malganis
Aug. 11th, 2007 05:25 pm (UTC)
No, no, no...give her to Qyburn. Or a sufficently pissed-off Dothraki horselord.
rainydaymadness
Aug. 1st, 2007 09:01 pm (UTC)
Rainyday: Hgh--hgh--hghhh *grabs throat* He-elp meeee...
Dark Sith Lord: But, Harry's got the Thumping PowerTM!
Rainyday: *grabs front of DSL's robes* KILL THE BITCHTHOR THEN, KILL HER!
Dark Sith Lord: But...shouldn't we be telling snuffylicious how good of a spork it was? How much we were laughing?
Rainyday: Well, what a brilliant idea! But right now, I'M CHOKING ON THE SUETHOR'S STUPIDITY!!!!!
Harry: Let's trade, I'll give you the Thumping PowerTM and I get the Capslock O' RageTM back.
estas_absentis
Aug. 1st, 2007 10:09 pm (UTC)
I must be some kind of glutton for punishment, but pleaaaase spork some more!

If it gets too mind-drilling, just remember - it's in the spirit of sweet rebellion against bitchy Suethors :)

*totally didn't look at the sporkage-characters and assume this was Harry/Draco. Not at all.*
psychodeathwish
Aug. 2nd, 2007 01:42 am (UTC)
Am I wrong to think that this punk fashion trend started in the U.K. Therefore making it less than American flair?

Just thinking aloud.
mercury_glitch
Aug. 2nd, 2007 03:29 am (UTC)
As an American I am glad to not take blame for something, afterall we're so often at fault these days it's nice to find a time when we aren't.
morriganscrow
Aug. 2nd, 2007 01:57 am (UTC)
Pretty please spork some more! That was PRICELESS!

Oh, I'm doing another of her 'stories' - can you educate me on how to link it to my journal please?
mercury_glitch
Aug. 2nd, 2007 03:34 am (UTC)
Make the post in your journal, just as you would the normal way to post in it. Then hit the post comments link, you should see a read comments above where you enter your comment. However if you don't that's ok.

Now, if you do see the read comments link, click it and copy the url. Then make a post in the comm. with the details of the spork, and insert the url. If you wanna do these the easy way enable richtext and just type what you want the link to read as, then select it and presee the insert url button. Paste the url from your other entry in and presto you've got yourself an entry that links to the sporking in your journal.

Basically if you've ever inserted a url in an entry before, it's the same idea. You just need to make the entry first and get a url that will direct to it. Even if it is the direct post a comment url.
morriganscrow
Aug. 2nd, 2007 04:25 am (UTC)
Thank-you! Please accept this mango and white chocolate cheesecake. *hands* If you'd like to gank my icon too, go for it.
zoe_i_am
Aug. 2nd, 2007 02:52 am (UTC)
I'm setting Mother Charlotte on these two, she'll show them what Catholic school is really about!

Fantastic spork!
mcpo_john117
Aug. 2nd, 2007 03:38 am (UTC)
Oh the burning!
Oh the pain!!
Kill it dead, kill it DEAD!!
summerborn
Aug. 2nd, 2007 03:39 am (UTC)
OW. OWOWOWOOWOWWOW.
amethyst_wolf
Aug. 2nd, 2007 04:33 am (UTC)
The only positive thing about this story was the brilliant spork.
Please do more, if you can. It was great-honest!
the_turtlemoves
Aug. 2nd, 2007 04:34 am (UTC)
This girl needs therapy. Seriously. I don't know what this is, but it has nothing to do with Harry Potter - or any other reality I can think of.

Fabulous sporking, though! Well done Harry and Draco. *rummages in cupboards* Have some tea and biscuits to drown out the stupid. Good on you for taking on this silly suethor - soon she will learn that nothing will stop the sporks! Mwahaha!
cruelhazel
Aug. 2nd, 2007 04:38 am (UTC)
That fic is horrible. I really have to wonder why they bother trying to connect this bull to canon characters. There is no canon left in there!
I cannot believe you made it through as much of that fic as you did.
Also:
Harry: Kiss the rosary, bitch! [Backhand motion]
That totally made my night.
(Anonymous)
Aug. 2nd, 2007 04:58 am (UTC)
Man this girl needs to get a reality check
I dunno what she thinks she's trying to defend or use against you, but this stuff is crap and she should just hurry up and realize it -.- I lost part of my soul because of her crap, but you at least saved the mind :P Nice spork, little wanker deserves 457466854979 sporks!
lady_adams
Aug. 2nd, 2007 07:37 am (UTC)
*reads the spork, gags* Love the commentary, but *shudders*. The fic...it burns. It really burns.

Anyway, that aside--Roz! Whereya been, eh? You never did respond to my comment on your DH post...

Te(e)gan--yay, Doctor Who reference! Not that I think it was intentional on the fanbrat's part, but more of a really amusing (to me, at least) coincidence.
snuffylicious
Aug. 2nd, 2007 09:25 pm (UTC)
Holy crabapples, didn't I? I guess I've been caught up in playing Sims 2 writing that I didn't even notice...
(Anonymous)
Aug. 2nd, 2007 09:24 am (UTC)
This really is the proof of the old saying: 'That which does not kill you, will make you wish it had'.

This is definatly the worst of her stories. Just when I think she couldn't possibly sink any lower...

At least the sporking is great. Except for the fact that the guitar is named Celess. Not Sweet Mary.
merlewhitefire
Aug. 2nd, 2007 11:57 am (UTC)
Two things.

First: Meyshi is full of shit. Even if her story WASN'T this drecktastic, she should still not get so incredibly pissed off over what is, in the end, nothing more than a harmless parody. I'm beginning to believe that the reason these stories suck so much is an effort to dissuade you from attempting to read them, and thereby defend them from sporking.

Second: Religious school? RELIGIOUS SCHOOL? Christ, if the Catholic Church ever heard of this they'd be on OUR SIDE!

Third: Brilliant sporking. It takes effort to make Draco and Harry loathe you enough to work together. XD

... Okay, that was three things. Sue me.
thelittlebudgie
Aug. 2nd, 2007 02:22 pm (UTC)
...

The spork was brilliant. The fic makes me want to cry.

And I love that comic strip.
calamity_m
Aug. 2nd, 2007 02:45 pm (UTC)
*grins manically* That was so great, Draco and Harry make such an awesome sporking duet! Ah, it's so good to stab the spork into that arrogant, insipid, little bint. Sit on it and rotate, Meyshi! Death to canonrape, long live Sporks!

Special love for:
Draco: [Bends out of frame -- retching noises heard]
Harry: [Thumps him on the back] Get it all out, Malfoy...

Took the vomit right out of my mouth. ;)
(Anonymous)
Aug. 2nd, 2007 06:33 pm (UTC)
I'll ignore the rest of the badness and say that the Suethor should have been using years instead of grades. Schools in the UK use years, and Hogwarts uses years. Then again, God forbid Meyshi actually does any kind of research before she writes.
kazumi_kuwabara
Aug. 2nd, 2007 10:42 pm (UTC)
I feel just a tad ill...okay REALLY ill. Gods, that was really bad! How could someone do that to the poor, poor storyline?! Does she even have an ounce of respect for it. Hell, it doesn't even count as an AU it's so horrible!
skitty_kat
Aug. 3rd, 2007 09:09 am (UTC)
Author go repent!

I can actually imagine Catholic!HP as a really quite good crack!fic. Guilt everywhere, some splendid confessions, Snape sitting in a corner flagellating himself (how Judge Turpin!), Dumbledore as a bad baad priest

Are they in England or America here? 'Cause I'm quite prepared to let the Americans have it.

Plus, this Tegan chap - he's wearing a gold tank top?

G-g-g-g-g-GAY!
merlewhitefire
Aug. 13th, 2007 12:27 am (UTC)
... And suddenly, Tarzan Boy starts playing in my head at full tilt.

Oh-oh oh OH-oh OH-oh OH-oh OH oh-oh-OH!
arihx
Aug. 5th, 2007 01:49 am (UTC)

I see extended use of this icon in the near future. Made specialy for Meyshi. Tsk tsk.
velyrhorde
Aug. 12th, 2007 03:04 pm (UTC)
Oh lord, I followed the trail from deleterius ... I had no idea how truly, deeply, mind-numbingly horrendous this was!

I think Catholic!HP might indeed be amusing if done by a *koff*TALENTEd*koff* writer willing to research and follow canon!

I loved spork!Draco/Harry ... MeyShi-GoDownInFlames should learn from the actual writing!
(Anonymous)
Sep. 2nd, 2008 10:14 pm (UTC)
can you help me with this french?
i saw on a forum
about french language

what does baisez-vous, vous chatte mean?

some one said that to me


mogardiesaufer@yahoo.com
( 34 comments — Leave a comment )

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